Grrrrrrr

So I know I have really sucked at this blog thing lately. I just don't know what to write some days. I have managed to lose 65 pounds now, but I just feel stuck. Stuck with the diet and stuck with life. I just don't feel like I am going anywhere and I am in a funk!

I feel myself trying to give up some days, and the reality of it is, I don't want to. I don't want to be a quitter again. I don't want my family and friends to look at me and see someone who failed at something else. I want to make this work, I want to succeed, I want to get at my goal, but darn it, some days it is just SO HARD!!!!
(Example) Today was the holiday dinner that we have at work every year. To my understanding, it is the only thing that we will be getting this year for Christmas versus years past. Everyone takes time out of their day and goes and has a nice lunch and get to just visit with people for a few hours. Not me! I got to stay in an office by myself and listen to Christmas music and feel frustrated and lonely while they were gone. Maybe I am just whining and being a baby, but it was really hard! I wanted to go to lunch with them. I wanted to go and visit and just get away from my desk for a while, but I know that I can't. I can't go to things like that if I am going to be successful at this.

The holidays are so hard this year. They are hard because I am from a broken family now and I have to race around like and idiot to see everyone that I should. They are hard because I still miss Brandon like crazy even though it has been almost 10 years since we said goodbye to him. They are hard because I still do not have a little family of my own that I so desperately long for, and most of all it is hard because I can not eat the food that makes me numb and masks all of the hurt that I feel through the holidays. I actually have to deal with all of this for the first time that I can remember. Food was my comfort, it was what made me feel better. I just want something to make me feel better again!

People try to offer support, but most of them really have no idea how hard this is, and the thing is it isn't over when I get to my goal. I will have to fight for this the rest of my life! I will have to work to not go back to the person I was 65 pounds ago! I know 65 pounds is a great accomplishment, and I think it is the most that I have ever lost. It is just hard to look at that number and not see how far I still have to go.

Ok, I think I got it all off my chest now along with getting out a good cry. Time to head to bed and do this again tomorrow!

~Trisha